In need of a detox

A social detox to be specific. It feels like every time i connect to the internet or most social interactions, im getting hit with stuff i really dont want in my life.
I get a text message about how group project member b is going to be upset about our park and *pick pick pick* on this persons standardsand behaviours. Yea, i dont agree with the way the project played out, and yes, i even called my mother to vent about it, without any names of who was involved. But i didnt need this to turn into a texting convo, a phone call and later a full out study session-turned-meeting with people not in the group. It was fair to the member who was being discussed to the point i sat there knitting and refused to talk.

I signed into msn and was immediately hit with a message of "i feel so fat, i ate pizza, now i want to make myself puke". I can't talk you down from that ledge and i dont want to get involved in this. yes we are friends and have good times, but i have told you before i think you need to get some counselling and i cannot be your therapist. Trust me, this is not the solution to your problems - short or long term. It isnt healthy and walking down this road is going to lead you to a worse place. And I am already worried about a prof calling CAS on you - please dont put me into a position where i am legally obligated to do so. Sometimes, i wish we could have a conversation when you arent on a ledge. Sometimes i wish i could vent to you without it being interspersed with why your life sucks. I wish we could talk aboutmovies, classes, needle craft. Anything. Once in a while. And, to add to my wish list, i wish you would call me once in a while to seeme, not because you need a ride or help.

I signed back into msn and was hit with another msg of how life was unfair. I know that you are emotionally fragile and recently released from the hospital for suicide attempt. i very carefully screen what i say to you because of this - because sometimes i feel like if i dare to say anything real, you are going to shatter. I dont like that feeling, it isnt one i want to have with anyone i call a friend though i can understand things are hard for you right now. Again, i think you need t consider inpatient treatment - right now the limited therapy you are recieving is not working and even you have admitted this. Your problem isn't getting dumped, its a lot deeper than that. No i dont think your roommate was wrong to tell your parents you attempted suicide - i know you didnt want them to know but really? The need to know, someone needs to be checking on you regularily. Yes, hiding apet your roommate was allergic to in your room for almost a week now was wrong and decietful and your roommate is right - it is also disrepectful. If i were your roommamte, you would be out a lot faster. You played gameswith someone elses health and didnt care about the consequences

I want to be able to tell someone about what is going on with my life without feeling as if that would be a burden to someone - especially when for once i dnot want to complain. I just want an ear. The only one i feel i can talk to right now (and do talk to) is the one this is about. Yes, he is currently making me happy, yes we had a major discussion abou a few things (our pasts, etc).

Mostly i just want to feel like i have a friend right now - not just like i am ebing one. I want to feel like friendship is a two way street - that i am more than just a ride to the store, somone to call when things are hard or an extra set of ears in the ER. Its my own fault admy own failure for not making a bigger deal out of this, but i still feel a little down about being in the ER by myself recently after everyone i have sat there with these past few months.

I think i need to practice bein more assertive - or something. it does feel good to write this all here at least.

I want to get healthier, fitter - and every day i am determined to do something about that, waking up to snow (again) is killing that resolve.

I want to unplug for a bit, take sometime to myself. Relax even. The constant having around of the roommate with whome unplugging is literally impossible, not helping. I would love to have the TV off for even a few hours. Actually i would love the roommate to be gone for a while, that would be even better.

I dont have the money, but if i did, i would love to get the cheapest motel room just to get away and relax for 24 hours. I'd pitch a tent but its just too cold right now :( I wonder how i can make this work...