Im back!

I'm back after a major fall off the wagon.  The kind in which we don't want to talk about how much weight I regained.  As in, I regained all but like 10 lbs I lost. 
Oops..
Ok, to be fair, I was poor during that time and working in fast food, which I still am.  But the kind of poor in which my staff meal guaranteed that I ate dinner, and I needed that guarantee.  And there was much reliance on pasta at 88 cents a pound, and free potatoes from my boss at work.
But J and I need to lose this weight - he is at an all time high of 135, and I'm at 190.5, so January 1st is our start date.  Weigh days are Friday, so we will chat again in a few days.  By then I may have a fitbit to help monitor activity (and tell me how much sleep i'm not getting which may be a factor).  I also have a get moving plan, on a calendar on the wall, and brand new weight watchers membership.

Lifelong weight loss, try 3, here I come

Stats (me)
weight - 190.5
waist - 39.5"
hips - 50" (almost as round as I am tall)
bust - 40"
thigh - 30"
arm - 13"

Stats (J)
weight - 235
waist - 48"
hips - 44.5"
bust - 42.5" (is it still called bust on a man?)
thigh - 23.5"
arm - 15"

A letter to my Body

Dear my body; First of all I want to thank you. We looked good today in the green shirt, so thank you. We are still together and still alive, so thank you. Secondly, I want to appologize. I am sorry for some of the ways I have treated you in the past. Sometimes I have fed you junk, sometimes i have hurt you and sometimes I havent been considerate of your needs. Im sorry I haven't always been the best or most responsible owner. But I do want to have a heart to heart talk with you body. When we were kids, we were a perfect team - we could, run, jump and play without getting tired or sore. We understood each other and you responded to me with ease. What happened to us? Where did we go wrong? Now we seem to be breaking down. I try to listen to your needs - give you the healthy food you deserve and sleep you need. When I ask you to exercise, it is for your own good. When I ask things of you, it is because it either needs to be done or I think we will enjoy it. I am not trying to torture you and I wonder why you act as if I am. Now it seems as if you are tired and sore all the time, while I am chomping at the bit to do things and be involved. Im am tired of always feeling weak, tired of always aching. I dont want to watch what others can do and feel left out, jealous or strapped to the sidelines. I dont want to have to wonder if today you will do what I ask of you. I dont want to loose hours everyday to endless naps that dont leave me feeling rested. I want to live! When we were 17, you got sick. Maybe it was my fault, maybe I didnt take care of you properly or give you what you needed, but you never fully got better from than. Why? And how do I fix this? What i want from you, is for us to be fully connected again - to dance, to play, to breathe free and deep and without pain. I want to wake up with energy and I want to experience life fully. Will you help me to do this? My dear body, I want you to know that I cherish you and respect you. I want us to work together, as a team, for as long as we live. I dont want us working against one another anymore. I want to be able to open my gas cap without struggle, to walk without pain and to be free. Can you give me that? I make a commitment to you here, today, dear body. I promise to take care of you. As long as we are both alive, we are stuck together. For better or worse, I promise to listen to you, to respond to you and to push you when you need it. I promise to stick by you and to love you Will you do the same? Forever, Me

Fibromite to normal

Dear J When you touched me sun and i sarted to cry, it wasnt you. it was me. i let the pain get out of control, allowed myself to get too tired. And when that happens, a hand on my flesh is too painful. Sometimes that pain makes me cry. I didnt want you to know this, didnt want you to see this part of my world, dont want anyone to have access to that experience. I dont want anyone to see me as sick or weak or less than anyone else. I dont want anyon to judge my experience, call it a win, because today i got ou of bed, or went to work, or hiked a trail. If it would not be a win for a normal, i dont want it to be a win for me either. i want to be regarded as a normal. I dont want to be a fibromite, dont want to live by those standards, or rather to have anyone know that i am restricted by those standards. Thank you for not freaking out that I cried on you and thank you for not yelling at me. For being understanding and for letting me keep pushing until the work was finaly done because if i had taken a break, i would not be able to keep working - would not have been able to do so much as get myself out of the car. And thank you for quietly taking on what i could not. Thank you for being strong enough to take than on even when you were in pain as well. You wont read this, i wont show this to you but i appreciate and love you for all that you are. I am grateful the world has sent you into my life right now. * * * * * Dear Fibro I hate you and the way you have worked on destroying my body. I hate that at times, i cant get out of bed without the pain bringing tears. I hate that when i fell today, it took me almost a quarter of an hour to get back to standing and no on was sure if they were calling me an ambulance or not. I hate that you make me so tired that even eating takes my energy. Hate that yu make my organs hurt and hate that the pain can make me depressed. I hate that I cant be all i want to with you around. I hate that i have to hide you - that i will be judged for you and that because you are invisible to anyone but me, that my explinations aren`t something people can relate to. I hate that the woman at the caves knew there was something wrong, and thought it was asthma and weight. You weren`t invited into my life, you came and jumped into my body and took over like a parasite. I hate the chemicals i take to counter you, hate being surrounded by pills and bottles and having to think every day about where they are so i know if i can be away from home that night. I hate that thsi weekend you were sch an enemy i thought about taking an alternative pain product, just because my chemicals stopped working. I hate that you steal my flexibility and my energy. I wont give up my dreams for you, but why must i change them either? Why do you get a say in how i control my body, my time? Who gave you that power, and why is it that every time i refuse to respect your limits, your rules, I lose? Why is it fighting against you only hurts me and never you? * * * * * Toady has been a hard and introspective day with this disease. May tomorrow bring the strength to fight again, the wisdom to pick my battles and the courage to face another day.

I know your problems seem bigger and harder to deal with than mine right now. And maybe they are. But righ now, I have listened to yours for a long time and I want to talk. Can you give me that? i wont ask more than once, i don have that assertiveness in me yet so if i ask and you keep talking, I will shut up and swallow my needs for you. can you be the person who will give me the time and space i need to do what you do so freely? Yes, your laundry struggles are valid, and your need to juggle the work schedules of two jobs and all these things that you, as my collective friends, have on your hands are important. But right now, my car is most likely totalled, my work life is a mess and i am taking on everyones extra again. Do me the favor and if you lessen a bit of my load, i can take on a bit of yours...

In need of a detox

A social detox to be specific. It feels like every time i connect to the internet or most social interactions, im getting hit with stuff i really dont want in my life.
I get a text message about how group project member b is going to be upset about our park and *pick pick pick* on this persons standardsand behaviours. Yea, i dont agree with the way the project played out, and yes, i even called my mother to vent about it, without any names of who was involved. But i didnt need this to turn into a texting convo, a phone call and later a full out study session-turned-meeting with people not in the group. It was fair to the member who was being discussed to the point i sat there knitting and refused to talk.

I signed into msn and was immediately hit with a message of "i feel so fat, i ate pizza, now i want to make myself puke". I can't talk you down from that ledge and i dont want to get involved in this. yes we are friends and have good times, but i have told you before i think you need to get some counselling and i cannot be your therapist. Trust me, this is not the solution to your problems - short or long term. It isnt healthy and walking down this road is going to lead you to a worse place. And I am already worried about a prof calling CAS on you - please dont put me into a position where i am legally obligated to do so. Sometimes, i wish we could have a conversation when you arent on a ledge. Sometimes i wish i could vent to you without it being interspersed with why your life sucks. I wish we could talk aboutmovies, classes, needle craft. Anything. Once in a while. And, to add to my wish list, i wish you would call me once in a while to seeme, not because you need a ride or help.

I signed back into msn and was hit with another msg of how life was unfair. I know that you are emotionally fragile and recently released from the hospital for suicide attempt. i very carefully screen what i say to you because of this - because sometimes i feel like if i dare to say anything real, you are going to shatter. I dont like that feeling, it isnt one i want to have with anyone i call a friend though i can understand things are hard for you right now. Again, i think you need t consider inpatient treatment - right now the limited therapy you are recieving is not working and even you have admitted this. Your problem isn't getting dumped, its a lot deeper than that. No i dont think your roommate was wrong to tell your parents you attempted suicide - i know you didnt want them to know but really? The need to know, someone needs to be checking on you regularily. Yes, hiding apet your roommate was allergic to in your room for almost a week now was wrong and decietful and your roommate is right - it is also disrepectful. If i were your roommamte, you would be out a lot faster. You played gameswith someone elses health and didnt care about the consequences

I want to be able to tell someone about what is going on with my life without feeling as if that would be a burden to someone - especially when for once i dnot want to complain. I just want an ear. The only one i feel i can talk to right now (and do talk to) is the one this is about. Yes, he is currently making me happy, yes we had a major discussion abou a few things (our pasts, etc).

Mostly i just want to feel like i have a friend right now - not just like i am ebing one. I want to feel like friendship is a two way street - that i am more than just a ride to the store, somone to call when things are hard or an extra set of ears in the ER. Its my own fault admy own failure for not making a bigger deal out of this, but i still feel a little down about being in the ER by myself recently after everyone i have sat there with these past few months.

I think i need to practice bein more assertive - or something. it does feel good to write this all here at least.

I want to get healthier, fitter - and every day i am determined to do something about that, waking up to snow (again) is killing that resolve.

I want to unplug for a bit, take sometime to myself. Relax even. The constant having around of the roommate with whome unplugging is literally impossible, not helping. I would love to have the TV off for even a few hours. Actually i would love the roommate to be gone for a while, that would be even better.

I dont have the money, but if i did, i would love to get the cheapest motel room just to get away and relax for 24 hours. I'd pitch a tent but its just too cold right now :( I wonder how i can make this work...

Moving - The progress

I think for the next little while this blog is going to have a bit of a focus about the changes going on in my life and what all this is impacting.

So, what kind of progress has been made towards moving? Well, lets see. I have the content insurance papers sitting beside me, and an insurance broker just waiting until closer to move date to change my car insurance. In exchange for the car insurance refund, Momma has agreed to pay the content insurance (which....once the refund comes in is just a top up since the refund covers a good chunk of it).
My plan is to get that out into the mail on monday.

I have ordered my internet router, and am just waiting for it to arrive - hopefully next week since they said it would take about 10 days, which was yesterday, but i am being graceful and assuming little work happens on the weekend.

I have been told my aunt is donating some plates and stuff to me since she bought herself new ones anyways. I am looking for pots, and since walmart has some silverwear on sale, planning on going to get me some of that this weekend.

I am working on the packing, by which i mean to say my room is a mess of boxes and that doesnt seem to be changing any time soon. Maybe this weekend with few plans will help me to get more done. The goal is to dismantle the closet organizer to store all the boxes in there. But sometimes i still need a closet right now which makes this hard.

The rental agreement has not arrived yet, but chats with the landlord say its in the mail and just awaiting my reading and signature when it arrives. The plan is to send it back with the first months rent since i wont be living there for the first month anyways.

The ordered checks arrived, and are much cuter than i expected. And it was completely worth the added cost to give the donation to the OSPCA and get puppy faces on my checks. I find regular checks boring so this worked out for me. I did have to alter the standard format in case my addy changes, phone number changes, etc. Because of all the transition, I choose to just put an email address instead of all kinds of personal info. Hopefully this doesnt cause too many problems in the future and lets me keep using these for a while. Thats the plan at least.

How am I doing with all this? Nervous. Excited. Ready to move now. Needing to shop for thing for the new place but financially i can't at the moment, not until the rent clears, etc etc etc. I had to touch my savings today, to make sure a few things will clear when the time comes, and that made me a bit sad. Next month, when I am not paying rent for 2 places will be much easier, but this month my rent total was actually OVER what i make for the month. Ugh.

I am glad I know how to juggle money pretty effectively. In that I have a decent chunk of savings set aside in some different places that I can access if and when I need to. Though, it makes me sad when I have to.

I am glad I am resourceful, in that i knwo how to find the things i need, when i need them, and although they may not be as pretty or nice or shiny new, they work and are something that I can afford. I dont mind hand me downs if they still work. I dont mind used or garage sale or whatever, so long as in the end, it fills the needs.

I am glad I am able to fill the stressful times. I have been knitting on comission and even last night, I got another one - I let the woman know that I wont be able to get to it for a bit and she understood and still wanted the sweater coat she has ordered. And I will end up with alot of yarn in exchange - debbie bliss at that - so I am happy. I finished one fo the 4 commissions i have here right now, and have made good progress on the second one. the last 2 are long term projects, not due until the fall so I feel ok about it again. PLus I have put some good work into doing the project I want to send out for some work, which I am feeling ebtter about.

I think using these next 2 weekends to get things more on track is a good plan. I should probably pack some more and see how far i can get things done. I should also talk with mom about what furniture she plans on keeping in this room and if any of it is going, so I can work on getting it out.

Thats my plan, and I'm going to try to stick to it.

New place, new start

This one likely isnt going to be a long or involved post.
This past weekend, I went up to sudbury to look at the shiny new university I will be going to. After talking to some people, I found out if i want to have a place of my own, now was the time to get it. So get one I did
The first place we looked at was creepy. The bathroom was IN the bedroom. Not a room off the bedroom, but rather a part of it. You could vomit from bed and have it still land in the toilet kind of part of it. And the shower was all concrete. No tile. And there was mildew, a creepy floor, and a number of other problems. I was not impressed.
The second place we looked at, I took. The land lady is nice, its technicall a basement but thanks to the hills of the place I have my own separate walk out entrance, and use of the backyard. So I do have a fair amount of sunlight.
The bathroom is small, the kitchen is open concept but nice in an older kind of way. All appliances are there, including microwave and lots of storage. The bedroom is small (about 8 by 8) plus a closet. Then I have an L shaped room as living/dining room. Laundry on site, and its not coin operated. Parking, and all the bills except phone/cable and internet are included so all together its not bad.
Part carpeted, part tiled, one bus to school and walking to downtown.
Is it everything of my dreams? No, but it is livable and in my price range.

Am i ready for this is the big question and only time will tell.