Fibromite to normal

Dear J When you touched me sun and i sarted to cry, it wasnt you. it was me. i let the pain get out of control, allowed myself to get too tired. And when that happens, a hand on my flesh is too painful. Sometimes that pain makes me cry. I didnt want you to know this, didnt want you to see this part of my world, dont want anyone to have access to that experience. I dont want anyone to see me as sick or weak or less than anyone else. I dont want anyon to judge my experience, call it a win, because today i got ou of bed, or went to work, or hiked a trail. If it would not be a win for a normal, i dont want it to be a win for me either. i want to be regarded as a normal. I dont want to be a fibromite, dont want to live by those standards, or rather to have anyone know that i am restricted by those standards. Thank you for not freaking out that I cried on you and thank you for not yelling at me. For being understanding and for letting me keep pushing until the work was finaly done because if i had taken a break, i would not be able to keep working - would not have been able to do so much as get myself out of the car. And thank you for quietly taking on what i could not. Thank you for being strong enough to take than on even when you were in pain as well. You wont read this, i wont show this to you but i appreciate and love you for all that you are. I am grateful the world has sent you into my life right now. * * * * * Dear Fibro I hate you and the way you have worked on destroying my body. I hate that at times, i cant get out of bed without the pain bringing tears. I hate that when i fell today, it took me almost a quarter of an hour to get back to standing and no on was sure if they were calling me an ambulance or not. I hate that you make me so tired that even eating takes my energy. Hate that yu make my organs hurt and hate that the pain can make me depressed. I hate that I cant be all i want to with you around. I hate that i have to hide you - that i will be judged for you and that because you are invisible to anyone but me, that my explinations aren`t something people can relate to. I hate that the woman at the caves knew there was something wrong, and thought it was asthma and weight. You weren`t invited into my life, you came and jumped into my body and took over like a parasite. I hate the chemicals i take to counter you, hate being surrounded by pills and bottles and having to think every day about where they are so i know if i can be away from home that night. I hate that thsi weekend you were sch an enemy i thought about taking an alternative pain product, just because my chemicals stopped working. I hate that you steal my flexibility and my energy. I wont give up my dreams for you, but why must i change them either? Why do you get a say in how i control my body, my time? Who gave you that power, and why is it that every time i refuse to respect your limits, your rules, I lose? Why is it fighting against you only hurts me and never you? * * * * * Toady has been a hard and introspective day with this disease. May tomorrow bring the strength to fight again, the wisdom to pick my battles and the courage to face another day.

I know your problems seem bigger and harder to deal with than mine right now. And maybe they are. But righ now, I have listened to yours for a long time and I want to talk. Can you give me that? i wont ask more than once, i don have that assertiveness in me yet so if i ask and you keep talking, I will shut up and swallow my needs for you. can you be the person who will give me the time and space i need to do what you do so freely? Yes, your laundry struggles are valid, and your need to juggle the work schedules of two jobs and all these things that you, as my collective friends, have on your hands are important. But right now, my car is most likely totalled, my work life is a mess and i am taking on everyones extra again. Do me the favor and if you lessen a bit of my load, i can take on a bit of yours...

In need of a detox

A social detox to be specific. It feels like every time i connect to the internet or most social interactions, im getting hit with stuff i really dont want in my life.
I get a text message about how group project member b is going to be upset about our park and *pick pick pick* on this persons standardsand behaviours. Yea, i dont agree with the way the project played out, and yes, i even called my mother to vent about it, without any names of who was involved. But i didnt need this to turn into a texting convo, a phone call and later a full out study session-turned-meeting with people not in the group. It was fair to the member who was being discussed to the point i sat there knitting and refused to talk.

I signed into msn and was immediately hit with a message of "i feel so fat, i ate pizza, now i want to make myself puke". I can't talk you down from that ledge and i dont want to get involved in this. yes we are friends and have good times, but i have told you before i think you need to get some counselling and i cannot be your therapist. Trust me, this is not the solution to your problems - short or long term. It isnt healthy and walking down this road is going to lead you to a worse place. And I am already worried about a prof calling CAS on you - please dont put me into a position where i am legally obligated to do so. Sometimes, i wish we could have a conversation when you arent on a ledge. Sometimes i wish i could vent to you without it being interspersed with why your life sucks. I wish we could talk aboutmovies, classes, needle craft. Anything. Once in a while. And, to add to my wish list, i wish you would call me once in a while to seeme, not because you need a ride or help.

I signed back into msn and was hit with another msg of how life was unfair. I know that you are emotionally fragile and recently released from the hospital for suicide attempt. i very carefully screen what i say to you because of this - because sometimes i feel like if i dare to say anything real, you are going to shatter. I dont like that feeling, it isnt one i want to have with anyone i call a friend though i can understand things are hard for you right now. Again, i think you need t consider inpatient treatment - right now the limited therapy you are recieving is not working and even you have admitted this. Your problem isn't getting dumped, its a lot deeper than that. No i dont think your roommate was wrong to tell your parents you attempted suicide - i know you didnt want them to know but really? The need to know, someone needs to be checking on you regularily. Yes, hiding apet your roommate was allergic to in your room for almost a week now was wrong and decietful and your roommate is right - it is also disrepectful. If i were your roommamte, you would be out a lot faster. You played gameswith someone elses health and didnt care about the consequences

I want to be able to tell someone about what is going on with my life without feeling as if that would be a burden to someone - especially when for once i dnot want to complain. I just want an ear. The only one i feel i can talk to right now (and do talk to) is the one this is about. Yes, he is currently making me happy, yes we had a major discussion abou a few things (our pasts, etc).

Mostly i just want to feel like i have a friend right now - not just like i am ebing one. I want to feel like friendship is a two way street - that i am more than just a ride to the store, somone to call when things are hard or an extra set of ears in the ER. Its my own fault admy own failure for not making a bigger deal out of this, but i still feel a little down about being in the ER by myself recently after everyone i have sat there with these past few months.

I think i need to practice bein more assertive - or something. it does feel good to write this all here at least.

I want to get healthier, fitter - and every day i am determined to do something about that, waking up to snow (again) is killing that resolve.

I want to unplug for a bit, take sometime to myself. Relax even. The constant having around of the roommate with whome unplugging is literally impossible, not helping. I would love to have the TV off for even a few hours. Actually i would love the roommate to be gone for a while, that would be even better.

I dont have the money, but if i did, i would love to get the cheapest motel room just to get away and relax for 24 hours. I'd pitch a tent but its just too cold right now :( I wonder how i can make this work...