I think for the next little while this blog is going to have a bit of a focus about the changes going on in my life and what all this is impacting.
So, what kind of progress has been made towards moving? Well, lets see. I have the content insurance papers sitting beside me, and an insurance broker just waiting until closer to move date to change my car insurance. In exchange for the car insurance refund, Momma has agreed to pay the content insurance (which....once the refund comes in is just a top up since the refund covers a good chunk of it).
My plan is to get that out into the mail on monday.
I have ordered my internet router, and am just waiting for it to arrive - hopefully next week since they said it would take about 10 days, which was yesterday, but i am being graceful and assuming little work happens on the weekend.
I have been told my aunt is donating some plates and stuff to me since she bought herself new ones anyways. I am looking for pots, and since walmart has some silverwear on sale, planning on going to get me some of that this weekend.
I am working on the packing, by which i mean to say my room is a mess of boxes and that doesnt seem to be changing any time soon. Maybe this weekend with few plans will help me to get more done. The goal is to dismantle the closet organizer to store all the boxes in there. But sometimes i still need a closet right now which makes this hard.
The rental agreement has not arrived yet, but chats with the landlord say its in the mail and just awaiting my reading and signature when it arrives. The plan is to send it back with the first months rent since i wont be living there for the first month anyways.
The ordered checks arrived, and are much cuter than i expected. And it was completely worth the added cost to give the donation to the OSPCA and get puppy faces on my checks. I find regular checks boring so this worked out for me. I did have to alter the standard format in case my addy changes, phone number changes, etc. Because of all the transition, I choose to just put an email address instead of all kinds of personal info. Hopefully this doesnt cause too many problems in the future and lets me keep using these for a while. Thats the plan at least.
How am I doing with all this? Nervous. Excited. Ready to move now. Needing to shop for thing for the new place but financially i can't at the moment, not until the rent clears, etc etc etc. I had to touch my savings today, to make sure a few things will clear when the time comes, and that made me a bit sad. Next month, when I am not paying rent for 2 places will be much easier, but this month my rent total was actually OVER what i make for the month. Ugh.
I am glad I know how to juggle money pretty effectively. In that I have a decent chunk of savings set aside in some different places that I can access if and when I need to. Though, it makes me sad when I have to.
I am glad I am resourceful, in that i knwo how to find the things i need, when i need them, and although they may not be as pretty or nice or shiny new, they work and are something that I can afford. I dont mind hand me downs if they still work. I dont mind used or garage sale or whatever, so long as in the end, it fills the needs.
I am glad I am able to fill the stressful times. I have been knitting on comission and even last night, I got another one - I let the woman know that I wont be able to get to it for a bit and she understood and still wanted the sweater coat she has ordered. And I will end up with alot of yarn in exchange - debbie bliss at that - so I am happy. I finished one fo the 4 commissions i have here right now, and have made good progress on the second one. the last 2 are long term projects, not due until the fall so I feel ok about it again. PLus I have put some good work into doing the project I want to send out for some work, which I am feeling ebtter about.
I think using these next 2 weekends to get things more on track is a good plan. I should probably pack some more and see how far i can get things done. I should also talk with mom about what furniture she plans on keeping in this room and if any of it is going, so I can work on getting it out.
Thats my plan, and I'm going to try to stick to it.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
New place, new start
This one likely isnt going to be a long or involved post.
This past weekend, I went up to sudbury to look at the shiny new university I will be going to. After talking to some people, I found out if i want to have a place of my own, now was the time to get it. So get one I did
The first place we looked at was creepy. The bathroom was IN the bedroom. Not a room off the bedroom, but rather a part of it. You could vomit from bed and have it still land in the toilet kind of part of it. And the shower was all concrete. No tile. And there was mildew, a creepy floor, and a number of other problems. I was not impressed.
The second place we looked at, I took. The land lady is nice, its technicall a basement but thanks to the hills of the place I have my own separate walk out entrance, and use of the backyard. So I do have a fair amount of sunlight.
The bathroom is small, the kitchen is open concept but nice in an older kind of way. All appliances are there, including microwave and lots of storage. The bedroom is small (about 8 by 8) plus a closet. Then I have an L shaped room as living/dining room. Laundry on site, and its not coin operated. Parking, and all the bills except phone/cable and internet are included so all together its not bad.
Part carpeted, part tiled, one bus to school and walking to downtown.
Is it everything of my dreams? No, but it is livable and in my price range.
Am i ready for this is the big question and only time will tell.
This past weekend, I went up to sudbury to look at the shiny new university I will be going to. After talking to some people, I found out if i want to have a place of my own, now was the time to get it. So get one I did
The first place we looked at was creepy. The bathroom was IN the bedroom. Not a room off the bedroom, but rather a part of it. You could vomit from bed and have it still land in the toilet kind of part of it. And the shower was all concrete. No tile. And there was mildew, a creepy floor, and a number of other problems. I was not impressed.
The second place we looked at, I took. The land lady is nice, its technicall a basement but thanks to the hills of the place I have my own separate walk out entrance, and use of the backyard. So I do have a fair amount of sunlight.
The bathroom is small, the kitchen is open concept but nice in an older kind of way. All appliances are there, including microwave and lots of storage. The bedroom is small (about 8 by 8) plus a closet. Then I have an L shaped room as living/dining room. Laundry on site, and its not coin operated. Parking, and all the bills except phone/cable and internet are included so all together its not bad.
Part carpeted, part tiled, one bus to school and walking to downtown.
Is it everything of my dreams? No, but it is livable and in my price range.
Am i ready for this is the big question and only time will tell.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Birthday dream musings
I'm 25 today and with that comes reflection. Some of this will deal with drepression, some with my history and some with my hopes for the future.
Birthdays for me are normally pretty crappy times. Mom forgets, or celebrates by giving me a toonie sometimes in the general week of my birthday, and often people are busy - esp as it tends to fall around many religious holidays. Normally there is no one to make me a cake and since my family sort of fell to pieces, if i want to celebrate in any way, I have to do all teh arranging and everything. Often I found myself making my birthday around other people - who ate what, liked whom, what would make it so that people wanted to be around me on my birthday.
This year I found myself doing something different. I was almost whine free (thanks shosh for being there when I needed to bitch about the safety video this morning. It was graphic enough to distrub me! But once you and I talked, I was able to get over it and move on with my day so once again, thanks). Instead of getting upset about the fact no one made me a cake I thought about it. I feel bad making my own birthday cake, partially because I am the baker so I guess people worry about making me one, but also in that because i bake so often, I feel like the expectation is that I should not go to the store and buy a cake that someone else made. So this year I did something different. I didnt make anything, but I did buy something that i think felt good. I bought myself an ice cream pizza (lots of leftovers too) - since I dont make ice cream!
This year, I asked for what i wanted. I want a couple seconds of peoples time to hear good wishes and have people mean them. And thanks to a very kind internet forum, every time I came online today my inbox was filled with them! It made me feel special without relying on the people I have been sued to relying on. I will admit, I also gave away a number of things online today, simply because it made me happy to do so.
And even though I spent my birthday alone, I feel good about it - I bought myself a dinner out (nothing too special but better than cooking for just me), relaxed with a project that was just for me and just enjoyed spending the time. No expectation, no fighting, no stress, nothing. I like this version better
And yes, I think the meds help because instead of waking up full of dread and anxiety, I started my day differently and that let me to continue in a better mood instead of spiraling down. But I also think that just because I came at the event from a different place, it also helped alot. I feel as if my perspective is changing and I think that has to be a good thing.
In fact, the only thing I miss is Birthday Sex - something i can easily rectify when my period and menstrual cramps get a bit better LOL.
I have been thinking more and more about recording some of my dreams and the idea is appealing to me. This is last nights
I dreamt I was dating a girl. We had been together for a while, the relationship was comfortable but flat. But I was happy with her. Secretly though, I was also in love with this guy (stop laughing now k?). He got sick, landed in the hospital, and that was enough to give me panic attacks that led me to an anti anxiety med. I was really worried as it was some kind of infection and he went unconscious in front of me before taking him to the hospital.
In his hospital room, he bitched me out for taking the pills (not know that I had had to take him due to my stress over him) as I was already close to the upper limit on what one can take in anti-crazy meds, thanks to my SSRI's and if my therapist found out i was needing even more, I could face time in a mental hospital myself. he was worried about me.
At this point, a friend pulled me out of his room and told me to pull myself together. Every knew I was in love with him, but I was stressing him out and I was only going to get hurt and hurt my girlfriend at the same time. I was told to get over myself, take more meds, and figure it out.
He recovered and I went to work (at my second job which was working with older children with severe learning imparements, who could barely read. That day we were working on recognizing alphabet letters). My sister covered for my class for about an hour (she worked there as well) so that I could go to my therapist.
Instead I ran into this guy, and somehow we ended up realizing the feeling was mutual, and making out. I remember thinking in my dream that this is not how life isnt supposed to work. Life isnt supposed to make you feel happy and full of wonder, and that if this were the real world, not teh dream one, I should still be with the girl out of expectation and comfort.
I go back and finish up with my class, and we were working on a project that had alot of color to it. He picks me up at the end of the school day and my sister warns me that if i am going to break this grils heart, i should at least do it in person before anyone else does it for me. So together we go to her place so i can talk to her, and all goes well.
Then we go to my place and have some dinner, make out some more and again i remember thinking that this has to be a dream since life still doesnt work like this. Actually I remember having a lot of very important thoughts about the dream world vs the real world and now i remember very few of them.
The next morning I am driving my school bus, however, as my regular bus is in for service, I am left driving a 100% manual model. In my dream, this is similar to one of those sleds that are made of a sheet of plastic - magic carpets i think they are called. The children are to bard the bus and sit behind me, and i am to move us foreward by pushing on the ground with my hands and feet. It is very hard to move the vehicle.
I take the bust and pick up kids on my normal route. (This is a route I have now driven in a few dreams, that does not relate in any way to my normal route. It has about 6 stops, one of which I normally forget and have trouble finding when I do remember it. Incidentally I have been in this students house in another dream, though i no longer remember why, I do remember a number of the details of the inside of the house). I have taken the new boy, and my sister (who in a pervious dream I had filled out a form for her getting her permission to ride with me). As in previous dreams, often I do not have to get the bus to the first stop, but ride in the second or third seat back and apply the breaks once we arrive at the stop. This parent has seen me do this before and often worries about this - today I was a little late getting to the breaks as I was making out.
Driving the bus manually is very difficult, and I am unable to move very fast at all. I miss that one students house as I forget it and I have trouble finding a number of my turns and often have to reroute the bus. However I do eventually make it to the school.
At this point, I have some time between routes so I go to the gym, which also marks the end of my dream.
Yes I know, its weird.
Birthdays for me are normally pretty crappy times. Mom forgets, or celebrates by giving me a toonie sometimes in the general week of my birthday, and often people are busy - esp as it tends to fall around many religious holidays. Normally there is no one to make me a cake and since my family sort of fell to pieces, if i want to celebrate in any way, I have to do all teh arranging and everything. Often I found myself making my birthday around other people - who ate what, liked whom, what would make it so that people wanted to be around me on my birthday.
This year I found myself doing something different. I was almost whine free (thanks shosh for being there when I needed to bitch about the safety video this morning. It was graphic enough to distrub me! But once you and I talked, I was able to get over it and move on with my day so once again, thanks). Instead of getting upset about the fact no one made me a cake I thought about it. I feel bad making my own birthday cake, partially because I am the baker so I guess people worry about making me one, but also in that because i bake so often, I feel like the expectation is that I should not go to the store and buy a cake that someone else made. So this year I did something different. I didnt make anything, but I did buy something that i think felt good. I bought myself an ice cream pizza (lots of leftovers too) - since I dont make ice cream!
This year, I asked for what i wanted. I want a couple seconds of peoples time to hear good wishes and have people mean them. And thanks to a very kind internet forum, every time I came online today my inbox was filled with them! It made me feel special without relying on the people I have been sued to relying on. I will admit, I also gave away a number of things online today, simply because it made me happy to do so.
And even though I spent my birthday alone, I feel good about it - I bought myself a dinner out (nothing too special but better than cooking for just me), relaxed with a project that was just for me and just enjoyed spending the time. No expectation, no fighting, no stress, nothing. I like this version better
And yes, I think the meds help because instead of waking up full of dread and anxiety, I started my day differently and that let me to continue in a better mood instead of spiraling down. But I also think that just because I came at the event from a different place, it also helped alot. I feel as if my perspective is changing and I think that has to be a good thing.
In fact, the only thing I miss is Birthday Sex - something i can easily rectify when my period and menstrual cramps get a bit better LOL.
I have been thinking more and more about recording some of my dreams and the idea is appealing to me. This is last nights
I dreamt I was dating a girl. We had been together for a while, the relationship was comfortable but flat. But I was happy with her. Secretly though, I was also in love with this guy (stop laughing now k?). He got sick, landed in the hospital, and that was enough to give me panic attacks that led me to an anti anxiety med. I was really worried as it was some kind of infection and he went unconscious in front of me before taking him to the hospital.
In his hospital room, he bitched me out for taking the pills (not know that I had had to take him due to my stress over him) as I was already close to the upper limit on what one can take in anti-crazy meds, thanks to my SSRI's and if my therapist found out i was needing even more, I could face time in a mental hospital myself. he was worried about me.
At this point, a friend pulled me out of his room and told me to pull myself together. Every knew I was in love with him, but I was stressing him out and I was only going to get hurt and hurt my girlfriend at the same time. I was told to get over myself, take more meds, and figure it out.
He recovered and I went to work (at my second job which was working with older children with severe learning imparements, who could barely read. That day we were working on recognizing alphabet letters). My sister covered for my class for about an hour (she worked there as well) so that I could go to my therapist.
Instead I ran into this guy, and somehow we ended up realizing the feeling was mutual, and making out. I remember thinking in my dream that this is not how life isnt supposed to work. Life isnt supposed to make you feel happy and full of wonder, and that if this were the real world, not teh dream one, I should still be with the girl out of expectation and comfort.
I go back and finish up with my class, and we were working on a project that had alot of color to it. He picks me up at the end of the school day and my sister warns me that if i am going to break this grils heart, i should at least do it in person before anyone else does it for me. So together we go to her place so i can talk to her, and all goes well.
Then we go to my place and have some dinner, make out some more and again i remember thinking that this has to be a dream since life still doesnt work like this. Actually I remember having a lot of very important thoughts about the dream world vs the real world and now i remember very few of them.
The next morning I am driving my school bus, however, as my regular bus is in for service, I am left driving a 100% manual model. In my dream, this is similar to one of those sleds that are made of a sheet of plastic - magic carpets i think they are called. The children are to bard the bus and sit behind me, and i am to move us foreward by pushing on the ground with my hands and feet. It is very hard to move the vehicle.
I take the bust and pick up kids on my normal route. (This is a route I have now driven in a few dreams, that does not relate in any way to my normal route. It has about 6 stops, one of which I normally forget and have trouble finding when I do remember it. Incidentally I have been in this students house in another dream, though i no longer remember why, I do remember a number of the details of the inside of the house). I have taken the new boy, and my sister (who in a pervious dream I had filled out a form for her getting her permission to ride with me). As in previous dreams, often I do not have to get the bus to the first stop, but ride in the second or third seat back and apply the breaks once we arrive at the stop. This parent has seen me do this before and often worries about this - today I was a little late getting to the breaks as I was making out.
Driving the bus manually is very difficult, and I am unable to move very fast at all. I miss that one students house as I forget it and I have trouble finding a number of my turns and often have to reroute the bus. However I do eventually make it to the school.
At this point, I have some time between routes so I go to the gym, which also marks the end of my dream.
Yes I know, its weird.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Fighting the fog
Its taken me a long time to post right now. Not because I havent thought of things and not even because I have really been too afriad to share them. Its simply by the time i would sit down to be able to type out anything I have thought of, they are gone.
I've started to have a bit of a side effect from the SSRI meds. Its not unexpected and actually isnt a bad thing, well, according to the dr's its just more proof that my brain is normalizing. But to me it feels weird.
It feels like i am passing time in a fog. Like I know that today happened but not part of it stand out really sharply or are particularily memorable. And unless i really concentrate on it, the day just exists as a blur for me. Most days do. I can't remember what I watched on tv or ate for breakfast this morning, but i am sure that both events happened. Its as if they are no longer important enough for my brain to store them - and before it always would.
Is this how other people live?
Just now MSN messenged me and it was enough of a distraction to change my train of thought. I knew i was posting here, and I knew what topic i was writing about, but, i forgot the next sentance i had lined up and even really what my exact point was. My norm, in the past, has been to have the next two paragraphs sitting somewhere in my arm muscles waiting for the hand to catch up (apparently this is normal for a gifted child) while the thoughts keep flowing. Now it feels much slower and like it is harder to do these things. And as if shiny things could easily distract me from my task.
In alot of ways my dream world is becoming more vivid and real to me than my waking world is. It is at least more interesting and I am finding myself wanting to sleep more and more, simply because it is more exciting than my day to day life.
Part of me thinks about recording these dreams, turning this into a dream blog because i know at some point I am going to lose these dreams and i want to hold onto this fantsay world that i have created in my sleep.
The weird thing is, even though i have a different dream every night, I will sometimes see things that are the same. The same public building or the same brand that i created. Its as if I am looking into different and odd stories in a world or a planet that is at least the same or consistant and I cant understand how when everything else changes, these tiny things dont.
I've started to have a bit of a side effect from the SSRI meds. Its not unexpected and actually isnt a bad thing, well, according to the dr's its just more proof that my brain is normalizing. But to me it feels weird.
It feels like i am passing time in a fog. Like I know that today happened but not part of it stand out really sharply or are particularily memorable. And unless i really concentrate on it, the day just exists as a blur for me. Most days do. I can't remember what I watched on tv or ate for breakfast this morning, but i am sure that both events happened. Its as if they are no longer important enough for my brain to store them - and before it always would.
Is this how other people live?
Just now MSN messenged me and it was enough of a distraction to change my train of thought. I knew i was posting here, and I knew what topic i was writing about, but, i forgot the next sentance i had lined up and even really what my exact point was. My norm, in the past, has been to have the next two paragraphs sitting somewhere in my arm muscles waiting for the hand to catch up (apparently this is normal for a gifted child) while the thoughts keep flowing. Now it feels much slower and like it is harder to do these things. And as if shiny things could easily distract me from my task.
In alot of ways my dream world is becoming more vivid and real to me than my waking world is. It is at least more interesting and I am finding myself wanting to sleep more and more, simply because it is more exciting than my day to day life.
Part of me thinks about recording these dreams, turning this into a dream blog because i know at some point I am going to lose these dreams and i want to hold onto this fantsay world that i have created in my sleep.
The weird thing is, even though i have a different dream every night, I will sometimes see things that are the same. The same public building or the same brand that i created. Its as if I am looking into different and odd stories in a world or a planet that is at least the same or consistant and I cant understand how when everything else changes, these tiny things dont.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
I want to blog
I want to write, to put my thoughts and stuff out there but right now I am not sure of the words for what I want to say and I have reception-block. I am afraid of how things will be received.
I feel very 1-d right now. I know the medication is a factor in this.
Also, medically, i feel scared. again.
I feel very 1-d right now. I know the medication is a factor in this.
Also, medically, i feel scared. again.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Knitting through the fog
There is something i have been working on as a post for a while, and i am going to talk about it today, but i am also going to talk about other things as well.
Reminder: this is my space. This is where i get to put all my thoughts out there and while i know making judgements is something people tend to do, if you want to judge, please at least have the courage to leave your name attached to it so we can at least have a discussion about it.
I am on the study drugs. This has its good and bad sides, its ups and its downs. I am overall happier. Or at least, on bad days, on a steadier path. Yes, i do still have problems with anxiety. But now i am able to recognize that x is making me uncomfortable and decide what to do about it. And the amound that i am uncomfortable or anxious is decreased. And the number of options i have been able to come up with as coping strategies has increased. Now it isnt just "run" or "x person" but rather "ok, i am seeking this, how can i achieve it? How can i achieve with by myself. How can i help me?" And i am even being able to do that.
The drugs don't get rid of the down days completely. I still have them. There are days where yes, i would say i still feel depressed or abnormal. But I can also say "i can get through this" or "being around people will help, ill go out for a bit" or "this is because i am bored" or "i need to work on x changes". And the lows aren't as low. I dont think about being hospitalized because i can no longer handle day to day living and need help to do the basic for myself. I may drop a ball or two but on the whole, i am juggling the whole act better and admitting that sometimes its ok to drop a ball and just watch where it lands so i can pick it back up when I am able.
And so far, those balls haven't beenwork or major external commitments which helps.
But there are also downsides to the drugs. I feel guilty and i think less of myself for relying on them. I think I should be able to fix it myself and the fact the drugs are helping is not convincing me that there is a biological aspect to my problem (although my rational, medical brain points out that this is likely at least partly true), but rather this is convincing me that I am weak and not good enough. Because I wasnt able to fix this myself, because it took chemistry and doctors and therefore I was not good enough. I dont know who I am trying to be good enough or strong enough for, or even what enough would be, but I do know that i feel as though this isnt it. Even though logically, its not wrong or bad to sometimes need help, even in the form of pills, for this. I see nothing wrong with needing antibiotics but find SSRI's to sit differently with me.
The SSRI's are also have an interesting effect. There is this thing that sometimes get called depression brain. Its described as having constant static in your head. For me it wasnt static but the effect was the same. Its sort of an all-consuming world inside your head that makes it harder to be present and interact with the normal world. For me, it was a mental busyness - a constant playing of 2 songs in my mind, combined with easily 7 different trains of thought. All occuring and being processed at the same time. It was kind of exhausting but also kind of fun in that it made multitasking very easy and gave the impression that I was excelling at a number of the things that I attempted. It was easy to handle most work when my brain could do that and more.
I took this depression brain to be a part of giftedness - i assumed that this ability to do so many things competently at the same time was what the term meant. That you could simply process more than the average person.
But the drugs take this away. It feels as if i have a mental fog going on. My brain is a much quieter, calmer place. This is both good and bad - good in that its calmer, and if i am focusing on something, an internal part of me isnt freaking out about nearly as many things at once. Good in that I am not as stressed out or trying to do as much.
But bad in that, as i am not trained to handle life this way, I am forgetting more things and feel as if i am missing out on more things. As if, by shutting down some of the channels, I am wasting time in not thinking every thought at once, as if my time to process things is more limited and perhaps i am missing some alternative that i might have come up with before. I feel as if i have lost some of that ability that used to make me "special" - even if it was all in my own mind.
And - i keep forgetting my purse everywhere. And my keys. And, and and...
Has anyone seen my book?
I have something on my mind, and I am not sure if i should write about it or not. Its what I am afraid of being judged for.
Today there was....well something happened. I went to knit night, and i guess there was a personality clash or something between two individuals - it came out as a fight over a seat. ONe individual was a close friend, one someone i dont actually like. But - because of what happened, there was alot of tension in the group. And, thanks to it, alot of confusion ebcause people felt as if they had to pick sides.
I felt stuck in a crappy place in that, if i picked one side, i stood to be alienated from a group i enjoy hanging out with. And if i picked another, I stood to anger someone i dont want to piss off. Actually, i wanted nothing to do with it, but had toruble figuring out how to do so without appearing to pick sides, and without alienating anyone or finding myself giving the wrong appearance to anyone.
I hate drama like this because the truth is, nothing good can come out of it. The is no "win" for anyone and all it does is make people uncomfortable at best and blow up in everyones faces at worst.
If i thought the issue had truely been as simple as a chair, there were alot of simple solutions and there was even a mostly clear right and wrong in the situations. But i dont think it was that simple and i felt as if no matter what option i took, i was going to end up in someones bad books somehow - even though the fight was not my own.
I thought about leaving the situation completely but realized i could come back to find myself out of the group completely and down a friend as i could easily see both sets taking that action the wrong way.
I think the offical term for that is social anxiety - this idea that your actions could be judged and found wanting. And its one of those things that can still get to me fairly easily, despite the changes and the drugs.
It sends me back to old bad habits - especially to comfort eating. Its hard to be social when your mouth is full so if you keep it full, people expect less interaction from you. It explains being removed from the group as you are eating.
Anyone want to pass the chocolate?
Reminder: this is my space. This is where i get to put all my thoughts out there and while i know making judgements is something people tend to do, if you want to judge, please at least have the courage to leave your name attached to it so we can at least have a discussion about it.
I am on the study drugs. This has its good and bad sides, its ups and its downs. I am overall happier. Or at least, on bad days, on a steadier path. Yes, i do still have problems with anxiety. But now i am able to recognize that x is making me uncomfortable and decide what to do about it. And the amound that i am uncomfortable or anxious is decreased. And the number of options i have been able to come up with as coping strategies has increased. Now it isnt just "run" or "x person" but rather "ok, i am seeking this, how can i achieve it? How can i achieve with by myself. How can i help me?" And i am even being able to do that.
The drugs don't get rid of the down days completely. I still have them. There are days where yes, i would say i still feel depressed or abnormal. But I can also say "i can get through this" or "being around people will help, ill go out for a bit" or "this is because i am bored" or "i need to work on x changes". And the lows aren't as low. I dont think about being hospitalized because i can no longer handle day to day living and need help to do the basic for myself. I may drop a ball or two but on the whole, i am juggling the whole act better and admitting that sometimes its ok to drop a ball and just watch where it lands so i can pick it back up when I am able.
And so far, those balls haven't beenwork or major external commitments which helps.
But there are also downsides to the drugs. I feel guilty and i think less of myself for relying on them. I think I should be able to fix it myself and the fact the drugs are helping is not convincing me that there is a biological aspect to my problem (although my rational, medical brain points out that this is likely at least partly true), but rather this is convincing me that I am weak and not good enough. Because I wasnt able to fix this myself, because it took chemistry and doctors and therefore I was not good enough. I dont know who I am trying to be good enough or strong enough for, or even what enough would be, but I do know that i feel as though this isnt it. Even though logically, its not wrong or bad to sometimes need help, even in the form of pills, for this. I see nothing wrong with needing antibiotics but find SSRI's to sit differently with me.
The SSRI's are also have an interesting effect. There is this thing that sometimes get called depression brain. Its described as having constant static in your head. For me it wasnt static but the effect was the same. Its sort of an all-consuming world inside your head that makes it harder to be present and interact with the normal world. For me, it was a mental busyness - a constant playing of 2 songs in my mind, combined with easily 7 different trains of thought. All occuring and being processed at the same time. It was kind of exhausting but also kind of fun in that it made multitasking very easy and gave the impression that I was excelling at a number of the things that I attempted. It was easy to handle most work when my brain could do that and more.
I took this depression brain to be a part of giftedness - i assumed that this ability to do so many things competently at the same time was what the term meant. That you could simply process more than the average person.
But the drugs take this away. It feels as if i have a mental fog going on. My brain is a much quieter, calmer place. This is both good and bad - good in that its calmer, and if i am focusing on something, an internal part of me isnt freaking out about nearly as many things at once. Good in that I am not as stressed out or trying to do as much.
But bad in that, as i am not trained to handle life this way, I am forgetting more things and feel as if i am missing out on more things. As if, by shutting down some of the channels, I am wasting time in not thinking every thought at once, as if my time to process things is more limited and perhaps i am missing some alternative that i might have come up with before. I feel as if i have lost some of that ability that used to make me "special" - even if it was all in my own mind.
And - i keep forgetting my purse everywhere. And my keys. And, and and...
Has anyone seen my book?
I have something on my mind, and I am not sure if i should write about it or not. Its what I am afraid of being judged for.
Today there was....well something happened. I went to knit night, and i guess there was a personality clash or something between two individuals - it came out as a fight over a seat. ONe individual was a close friend, one someone i dont actually like. But - because of what happened, there was alot of tension in the group. And, thanks to it, alot of confusion ebcause people felt as if they had to pick sides.
I felt stuck in a crappy place in that, if i picked one side, i stood to be alienated from a group i enjoy hanging out with. And if i picked another, I stood to anger someone i dont want to piss off. Actually, i wanted nothing to do with it, but had toruble figuring out how to do so without appearing to pick sides, and without alienating anyone or finding myself giving the wrong appearance to anyone.
I hate drama like this because the truth is, nothing good can come out of it. The is no "win" for anyone and all it does is make people uncomfortable at best and blow up in everyones faces at worst.
If i thought the issue had truely been as simple as a chair, there were alot of simple solutions and there was even a mostly clear right and wrong in the situations. But i dont think it was that simple and i felt as if no matter what option i took, i was going to end up in someones bad books somehow - even though the fight was not my own.
I thought about leaving the situation completely but realized i could come back to find myself out of the group completely and down a friend as i could easily see both sets taking that action the wrong way.
I think the offical term for that is social anxiety - this idea that your actions could be judged and found wanting. And its one of those things that can still get to me fairly easily, despite the changes and the drugs.
It sends me back to old bad habits - especially to comfort eating. Its hard to be social when your mouth is full so if you keep it full, people expect less interaction from you. It explains being removed from the group as you are eating.
Anyone want to pass the chocolate?
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