Fibromite to normal

Dear J When you touched me sun and i sarted to cry, it wasnt you. it was me. i let the pain get out of control, allowed myself to get too tired. And when that happens, a hand on my flesh is too painful. Sometimes that pain makes me cry. I didnt want you to know this, didnt want you to see this part of my world, dont want anyone to have access to that experience. I dont want anyone to see me as sick or weak or less than anyone else. I dont want anyon to judge my experience, call it a win, because today i got ou of bed, or went to work, or hiked a trail. If it would not be a win for a normal, i dont want it to be a win for me either. i want to be regarded as a normal. I dont want to be a fibromite, dont want to live by those standards, or rather to have anyone know that i am restricted by those standards. Thank you for not freaking out that I cried on you and thank you for not yelling at me. For being understanding and for letting me keep pushing until the work was finaly done because if i had taken a break, i would not be able to keep working - would not have been able to do so much as get myself out of the car. And thank you for quietly taking on what i could not. Thank you for being strong enough to take than on even when you were in pain as well. You wont read this, i wont show this to you but i appreciate and love you for all that you are. I am grateful the world has sent you into my life right now. * * * * * Dear Fibro I hate you and the way you have worked on destroying my body. I hate that at times, i cant get out of bed without the pain bringing tears. I hate that when i fell today, it took me almost a quarter of an hour to get back to standing and no on was sure if they were calling me an ambulance or not. I hate that you make me so tired that even eating takes my energy. Hate that yu make my organs hurt and hate that the pain can make me depressed. I hate that I cant be all i want to with you around. I hate that i have to hide you - that i will be judged for you and that because you are invisible to anyone but me, that my explinations aren`t something people can relate to. I hate that the woman at the caves knew there was something wrong, and thought it was asthma and weight. You weren`t invited into my life, you came and jumped into my body and took over like a parasite. I hate the chemicals i take to counter you, hate being surrounded by pills and bottles and having to think every day about where they are so i know if i can be away from home that night. I hate that thsi weekend you were sch an enemy i thought about taking an alternative pain product, just because my chemicals stopped working. I hate that you steal my flexibility and my energy. I wont give up my dreams for you, but why must i change them either? Why do you get a say in how i control my body, my time? Who gave you that power, and why is it that every time i refuse to respect your limits, your rules, I lose? Why is it fighting against you only hurts me and never you? * * * * * Toady has been a hard and introspective day with this disease. May tomorrow bring the strength to fight again, the wisdom to pick my battles and the courage to face another day.