Blogging into the void *trigger warning*

Its late, and im sitting her in the dark, typing. you know this will be dangerous when....

I am the kind of person who feels things, thinks things and sometimes need to express things. The kind of person, for whom, if i dont get something off my chest, in some manner, i will obsess over it and it will fester.

This of course links into my usage of social media, which really is what this post is about.

In the beginning, i had a very public blog, with a number of people reading it and following it in a rather teenaged manner. It was a place that a maintianed to keep a front - to show a certain image to my world. It was a place i never felt safe in.

So i went off and got myself a paper journal. I tried to keep that journal. To write in it when i needed to express things. I understood i was the kind of person who needed to journal and thought the traditional way was best.

I was wrong.

A paper journal was very triggering to me, especially at times when i already was upset and wanting to hurt myself. I cannt use traditional pens - i jam the ball and break the pen, even if it is brand new. Instead, i use felt tipped markers, and prefer to use journals with thick, handmade paper. It turnes out, the type of ink i use on this type of paper produces an image i couldnt see past enough to be able to use the media. When you press hard with these pens, the ink flows faster. On this type of paper, that leads to a "bleeding" effect - small lines that spider out from the main one. It looks eeriely similar to the self injury i was trying to avoid.

So i tried to use traditional pens - tried to make this age old soul healing technique work for me. Instead, i was time and again haunted with the image of the pen ripping through the paper as i tried to write in a bad state. The exercise almost always led to me self injuring because not only was i unable to express myself, trying was making it worse.

I got myself a private blog - a place i thought no one knew about or had traced me to. At lease you can jam on a keyboard pretty hard and it can withstand the abuse. And the people living in my hosue got used to the sounds of angry typing and clack clack clack at all weird hours of the day and night and never mentioned it.

I was wrong about the journal being private. You see, a partner had followed me there - had hacked something, somehow, and was reading my private thoughts and reacting to them, without me knowing. I suspected but it took a while for me to prove this. And while i suspected - while this person was reacting to me in a way that didnt make sense given the information i had given her, while this person was in fact reacting to my private thoughts (including ones about them) - i went though alot of loss of trust over the incident and over what happened.

I felt like it wasn't safe to have these thoughts. To want to get something out of me.

Not writing it down doesnt make what i am thinking and feeling go away. It doesnt stop it from happening, it just means i am not expressing it. I wish the would could understand that in not expressing it, nothing really have changed except YOU dont know its happening. And ignorance is not the bliss we have all been led to believe it might be/

I have been judged for my use of social media. I am on a few of the sites, one of which i maintain a similar facade to the early days on. I dont feel like it is the place for me to express much of anything without fear of judgement.

Another site. when i first started using it, was a safe place for me. I was on teh site and no one knew i was there. I had a few anonymous people who might or might not have been reading what i said but, for the most part, i was just another user posting random meaningless content to the site - except to me it was a way to say things i couldnt other wise say.

Once again, a partner found me. I immediately felt as if i were being censored. I deleted content - not because it wasn't valid, true or because i was afraid to express it but because i knew it would be misunderstood. and judged unfairly.

At this time i was maintaining another public blog. One night i made the grevious mistake of posting content that was happy go luck and craft related. I posted something real. And i was judged, by an anonymous coward. I dont ming people reacting to my cntent, people wanting to challenge what i think and feel. I dont mind having to justify, explain or even admit that in the grand scheme of things, i may be in the wrong. I mind when people attack me without backing themselves and at least showing their face.

It took me too long to find out who that anonymous coward was. And i still see the actions of that individual as unacceptable.

On my use of the social media site i see as being safe, my actions were once again judged and misunderstood. but this time, i didnt retreat. I got angry. I fought back because i am tired of losing my safe spaces to people who decide to pry into information i have chosen not to give and then react negatively to what they learn.

Let me help you out here - if i want you to know something, i will tell you. And if i dont, theres likely a reason. I am perfectly capable of deciding for myself not only the impact my saying or doing certain things would have, but also, if whatever it is is just something i need to express as opposed to something that is "real" or needs dealing with, past just getting it out of me.

I am making this blog public for a reason. I got tired of having my space violated so instead, i am making this an open book. Feel free to read or not as you see fit but here, in my blog, in my space, there is no censorship. I try to keep names out of it, because i am polite like that, but if you find yourself referenced in any way, so be it. Remember, you choose to come here and you choose to see the inner workings of my mind.

And maybe, in making my space open, something will come of it. I dont hold out any hope though.

I need a place to put things down, to get thoughts out of my head so that when it is after midnight and i am lying in bed, in tears, again, at least there is one less things to obsess about. At least i can get things out of my head in writing them down and releasing them to the universe.

I find social media helps. It doesnt have the triggers i experience from traditional journalling. It doesnt have the "locking away/up" feels i experience from password protecting journal files on my computer to keep people from prying. It doesnt have the same feelings i get from locking up a paper journal and keeping the key near me so no one can get in. I find those feelings to be oppressive because its doing the exact opposite of what i need. It is taking my thoughts and feelings and making them even more protected, safer, hidden from the world because they are bad or negative or not something to be said aloud.

Social media lets me put things into the world, where, because of the overwhelming amount of content published daily, it doesnt really matter. It lets me get rid of things and feel like somewhere out there, someone could theoretically car but in a kind and gentle way.

Sometimes it feels like i am blogging into the void - publishing media that is never consumed. I'm ok with this to be honest. I am not hounding after comments or looking for the most number of readers i can find. I am looking for peace within me,

One day at a time, i am finding it. I am find a place for a me.