Queen Mab *trigger*

Been having a lot of strange and crazy dreams lately - at least one a night. I want to record a few of them.

I dreamt last night that i was someones boyfriend, and that her younger sister had died the day before. Then i went back in time, became her, and was there, knowing how and when she would die, and that despite all that, there was nothing to stop it because no one knew why it happened. The girl had an attack of a pre-existing condition. She was taken to sick kids hospital. And was instantly admitted, but to a room with no beds. Then she was given various things by IV, and all of it was standard treatment but she wasnt getting better like she was supposed to. And i knew how this would end.

She started to have a tonic-clonic siezure (how is it my sleeping brain can identify what type of seizure it was) so i went to get the nurse, knowing at this point it was hopeless. She started posturing (a sign of brain swelling) and the nurse put her into a bed. She was to die shortly after, and though in the dream time slowed down incredibly, because i didnt want her to die, there was nothing to be done for her. Something had gone wrong, it was too late and there was nothing my travelling back in time could do for this girl. I woke before she died.

The night before i had a dream that i was a younger girl. That i had a best friend, and that we each had older brothers. They were best friends. I dreamt we fell in love, each girl with the others brother. Our parents wouldnt approve because of the age differences but we were all dating in secret, and no one thought to question why the older boys were hanging out with us so much.

My boy was sweet. He gave me my first sexual experience, and when i wasnt sure, he explained i had had my first orgasm and was kind enough to hold me in the afterglow and to not pressure me for more. It was a nice dream - and part of me wants to write it all into a type of a book. The confusion over sex, and arousal. The innocence, when pretending to know more. The way it all felt.

It was how it should have been.

I had a dream that my older sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. That she needed treatment immediately - but the fact she was currently pregnant was a problem. She was too far along to abort and not far enough to deliver. The drs transplanted her womb and fetus into me, and i was pregnant. I wanted to do good for her baby - to eat healthy, to take care of it. I lied to the study people and told them i would be busy for a bit so they wouldnt know i was pregnant - because i knew if i came off my crazy meds at this point, i would be harmful to the baby somehow. But that the study also would kick me out for being pregnant.

After having the baby in me for only a few days, the drs decided it was ready and i would have to undergo a c-section as i was too small to deliver the baby and it would cause undue stress. I was at York central, despite the fact my operation was supposed to be at NYGH. I was prepped and put into a line up for surgery. My belly had monitors on it and the baby was doing ok so i was to go later in the day. But no one knew i was there and i knew afterwards i would have to stay at the hospital for a while and i wanted visitors. I called my best friend, but she was crying over something, completely inconsolable and i knew i couldnt tell her what was going on. I didnt know who to tell, but had to talk to someone. I call my ex from high school - first person i ever dated - and just told him the name of a place. He called back quickly and said it was a hospital, to which i told him yes, it was where i was going for surgery any minute now and could he please come visit me.

Except it was the wrong place and i would have to go in a ambulance to Branson, as that was where the surgery was scheduled for. Even though i was in the line up and Branson did not have the NICU that this baby was sure to need.

I woke up.

Sometimes, even when i am having a nightmare I dont want to wake up. Its scary, sure and i dont like the dream but i want to know how it ends. I want a feeling of closure. And mostly, its less scary than the things that happen when i am awake.

I am going to warn you to stop reading now if you dont want to know these things.

I visited my father side of the family a few days ago. It was an obligation.

The instant i walked in the door, he was there. He touched me, on the chest. On Righty. In front of the family who still cant voice out loud that this is wrong.
That getting down on the floor to be at "my level" is wrong.
That this is a problem.
He touched me, and even though it made it nearly impossible to stay in the house, even i couldnt say out loud that this is wrong.

I still dont have a voice when it matters most.