Knitting through the fog

There is something i have been working on as a post for a while, and i am going to talk about it today, but i am also going to talk about other things as well.
Reminder: this is my space. This is where i get to put all my thoughts out there and while i know making judgements is something people tend to do, if you want to judge, please at least have the courage to leave your name attached to it so we can at least have a discussion about it.

I am on the study drugs. This has its good and bad sides, its ups and its downs. I am overall happier. Or at least, on bad days, on a steadier path. Yes, i do still have problems with anxiety. But now i am able to recognize that x is making me uncomfortable and decide what to do about it. And the amound that i am uncomfortable or anxious is decreased. And the number of options i have been able to come up with as coping strategies has increased. Now it isnt just "run" or "x person" but rather "ok, i am seeking this, how can i achieve it? How can i achieve with by myself. How can i help me?" And i am even being able to do that.

The drugs don't get rid of the down days completely. I still have them. There are days where yes, i would say i still feel depressed or abnormal. But I can also say "i can get through this" or "being around people will help, ill go out for a bit" or "this is because i am bored" or "i need to work on x changes". And the lows aren't as low. I dont think about being hospitalized because i can no longer handle day to day living and need help to do the basic for myself. I may drop a ball or two but on the whole, i am juggling the whole act better and admitting that sometimes its ok to drop a ball and just watch where it lands so i can pick it back up when I am able.
And so far, those balls haven't beenwork or major external commitments which helps.

But there are also downsides to the drugs. I feel guilty and i think less of myself for relying on them. I think I should be able to fix it myself and the fact the drugs are helping is not convincing me that there is a biological aspect to my problem (although my rational, medical brain points out that this is likely at least partly true), but rather this is convincing me that I am weak and not good enough. Because I wasnt able to fix this myself, because it took chemistry and doctors and therefore I was not good enough. I dont know who I am trying to be good enough or strong enough for, or even what enough would be, but I do know that i feel as though this isnt it. Even though logically, its not wrong or bad to sometimes need help, even in the form of pills, for this. I see nothing wrong with needing antibiotics but find SSRI's to sit differently with me.

The SSRI's are also have an interesting effect. There is this thing that sometimes get called depression brain. Its described as having constant static in your head. For me it wasnt static but the effect was the same. Its sort of an all-consuming world inside your head that makes it harder to be present and interact with the normal world. For me, it was a mental busyness - a constant playing of 2 songs in my mind, combined with easily 7 different trains of thought. All occuring and being processed at the same time. It was kind of exhausting but also kind of fun in that it made multitasking very easy and gave the impression that I was excelling at a number of the things that I attempted. It was easy to handle most work when my brain could do that and more.

I took this depression brain to be a part of giftedness - i assumed that this ability to do so many things competently at the same time was what the term meant. That you could simply process more than the average person.

But the drugs take this away. It feels as if i have a mental fog going on. My brain is a much quieter, calmer place. This is both good and bad - good in that its calmer, and if i am focusing on something, an internal part of me isnt freaking out about nearly as many things at once. Good in that I am not as stressed out or trying to do as much.

But bad in that, as i am not trained to handle life this way, I am forgetting more things and feel as if i am missing out on more things. As if, by shutting down some of the channels, I am wasting time in not thinking every thought at once, as if my time to process things is more limited and perhaps i am missing some alternative that i might have come up with before. I feel as if i have lost some of that ability that used to make me "special" - even if it was all in my own mind.

And - i keep forgetting my purse everywhere. And my keys. And, and and...
Has anyone seen my book?


I have something on my mind, and I am not sure if i should write about it or not. Its what I am afraid of being judged for.

Today there was....well something happened. I went to knit night, and i guess there was a personality clash or something between two individuals - it came out as a fight over a seat. ONe individual was a close friend, one someone i dont actually like. But - because of what happened, there was alot of tension in the group. And, thanks to it, alot of confusion ebcause people felt as if they had to pick sides.

I felt stuck in a crappy place in that, if i picked one side, i stood to be alienated from a group i enjoy hanging out with. And if i picked another, I stood to anger someone i dont want to piss off. Actually, i wanted nothing to do with it, but had toruble figuring out how to do so without appearing to pick sides, and without alienating anyone or finding myself giving the wrong appearance to anyone.

I hate drama like this because the truth is, nothing good can come out of it. The is no "win" for anyone and all it does is make people uncomfortable at best and blow up in everyones faces at worst.

If i thought the issue had truely been as simple as a chair, there were alot of simple solutions and there was even a mostly clear right and wrong in the situations. But i dont think it was that simple and i felt as if no matter what option i took, i was going to end up in someones bad books somehow - even though the fight was not my own.

I thought about leaving the situation completely but realized i could come back to find myself out of the group completely and down a friend as i could easily see both sets taking that action the wrong way.

I think the offical term for that is social anxiety - this idea that your actions could be judged and found wanting. And its one of those things that can still get to me fairly easily, despite the changes and the drugs.

It sends me back to old bad habits - especially to comfort eating. Its hard to be social when your mouth is full so if you keep it full, people expect less interaction from you. It explains being removed from the group as you are eating.

Anyone want to pass the chocolate?