Crafting as the cure

I have a post, still brewing in my head, but i think i am afraid to put it out to the world because it starts to get into the intense stuff. I think I am afraid in some ways to speak out about the abuses i went through and how they affect me now, and what they mean to me. I think I am afraid to actually let people know because part of me is still trying to protect my abusers. I think because I have done whatever i can towards forgiving them, as much as a person can, that i am afraid to drag it all out into the open and have it go badly. I am afraid someone will confront me about it, force me to do something, or even worse, because its only my word against theirs, that they will tell me i made it all up.

I went to the GP's on friday, as the post h1n1 death cough started to get worse, again, and the fever started to come back. It turns out the respiratory infection never cleared, and had caused swelling and other icky things. So one stronger, longer antibiotic later you would think would be the cure? Wrong. I also needed steroids and cortosone for the nasal passages (for the swelling and irritation), plus apparently the whole thing had agrivated my asthma and i would have to take puffers.

Wait, what asthma? I apparently have that. The cold chest feeling that happens when i run is apparently asthma. Its weird, I had wondered, vaguely, if that was normal but it hasnt killed me yet and other than making me not like running, it hasnt hugely impacted my life. I thought i was just fat and out of shape, and that was why running sucked. But, lots of medication later, running is better than i thought it was. I dont know how i feel about upping my "lifetime" meds to 4 now but...i guess it is what it is. Its weird to think about having to bring this drug with me everywhere though, even if i can see it helping. Its weird to watch a dr write out a prescription for HUNDREDS of doses of medication, because he is sure you are going to need them. To currently be on a total of 10 doses of steroids a day (though that will go down as the death cough goes away).

OK, so now to what i meant to talk about.

I craft. I knit, i latch hook, i cross stitch and as of yesterday I have started a new kinda cool craft (to be revealed later if it actually turns out as it is a secret surprise gift). I craft because it helps me. I craft because it lets me think, without obsession. I craft because it keeps my hands busy and when my hands are busy, they are not being destruction, they are not hurting. I craft because i think it helps to keep me sane, because it helps to keep me from worrying, sometimes, and i craft because in the end it gives me a sense of accomplishment.

I made a huge, beautiful cross stitch of wolves howling at the moon and every time i look at it, i think - there are days, etched in the threads, where i gave myself permission to stop for a bit and take some time for me. In the little x's are my choice to craft away my anxiety, my depression, my problems, instead of crying them away, instead of cutting them away.

I knit, and in everything, everytime i finish something - if it is good or bad it doesn't matter, is a sense of accomplishment. Is a sense of now matter if i am feeling worthy or like a failure that day, I can do this. I can make yarn and string into something, hopefully usable. I give away alot of what i finish and in doing so, i like to think i am adding something good to the world. That with my yarn and needles i can show people that i care for them even when my words dont work. That in giving away my time i can heal some of the hurt i cause in this world.

I like to encourage people to craft, no matter what it is that they choose to do. I think that taking the time and effort to make something with your own hands, to invest in something and to see it finished, is good for the soul. I think it undoes some of the damage that our modern world does. The internet is fast, and the tv is mindless and videogames are violent or repetative, and in the end it all creates a dependance and even a sense of anxiety and mindlessness. I like to think taking the time to do something with ones hands - something that takes thought and takes effort and even creativity, helps to bring us back to a sense of reality that doesnt flash, beep, or require the endless pushing of buttons. And maybe it is one more thing to hold onto in this world.

I craft because i think it helps me. I craft because i see it as being a part of the cure to all of the things that happen in life. I craft because i enjoy it and because it makes me feel good.

What do you do when the world gets to be too much?