I will always reember my first boyfriend. I will remember him and not because he was particularily remarkable. I was in 9th grade, as was he. And, like most 9th grade romances he was never the love of my life, nor did we ever get that far. But, I will always remember him because he wore CK One, and i think i was more in love with that scent than i was with him. Even now, i will be out walking my dog (as happened to me today) or in some public place and someone will walk by me. They will have a scent that reminds me of how he smelled in CK One, and my knees melt a bit and no matter who it is, i find myself a touch attracted to them. To that scent.
The same thing has happened to me time and again. Everyone I have ever dated or been involved with, I can remember the scent of. Some clearer than others. Some at different points in the relationship (ill come back to that in a sec), but scent is a strong attractor and a strong sense in me. Some scents are comforting - like the smell of certain foods i associate with home. Some scents are scary - usually those that trigger some bad memories in me. Some scents make me feel ill - usually related to certain chemicals. But the overriding thing is i think i walk through this world using my nose more so than anything else. I forget faces, names, even the sounds of voices, but i can identify who is nearby by what I can smell.
Funny story - i was in a relationship. Happy, enjoying myself, and then suddenly something changed. I couldn't put my finger on what but i wasn't as insta-attracted as i was at first. Almost a year later i found out why. He had stopped wearing deoderant. Apparently, the scent i had associated with this person was yet another mass produced product - to which i am slightly disappointed in myself for always finding myself attracted to the way certain products smell on certain people as opposed to how they themselves smell but.... I was surprised by how something as simple as that started the chain in changing how i saw, reacted to and related to someone. Its one of the many things that leads me to think that losing my sense of smell would, for me, be more catastrophic than losing my sense of sight or hearing. I do enjoy my sense of touch though, and taste is closely linked to scent so.....i would like to keep those two.
I know for me, in relationships, i am frequently attracted to the same type of presence. Someone who can make me feel small, fragile, someone i get this sense that i can depend on. In some senses, I am looking for my Edward - looking for someone to protect me, to take care of me and to fawn over me.
One of the blogs i read was talking about this recently - and remembering their Edward. I haven't been so lucky. I dont have just one "edward" to remember. I have a few. I remember the girl with spikes who taught me how to defend myself, and called me "little amanda" and made comments about my appearance that just enforced those feelings that make us feel (and i hate to describe it as such because my inner feminist is crying very hard) girly. I remember the big strong boys who could lift me up and make it seem effortless - even as i screamed - who made me feel that no matter how strong i was, if i wasn't strong enough, there was someone there who was. There have been a few of those - and I am attracted to them for their sheer strength and ability to phsyically hurt me, even while they are all big teddy bears and afraid to use their strength near anyone.
I have been lucky enough to have a few "edward's" in my time. and unlucky enough, or perharps not smart enough to both have let them go and to have chased them away. I want to feel strong on my own, independant, i-am-woman-hear-me-roar. Having these people in my life, i don't feel that way and my inner feminist gets upset and bitchy. Because, while my inner girly-girl is rejoicing, it often feels only one side can come out to play.
I want to be both, strong and taken care of. Butch and femme. Girl and feminist. And to be with someone, gender irregardless, where i can feel both. Because i knw that kind of balance doesnt happen to often in real life, i seek it in a less than orthodox way - to have one on each arm, and edward and someone for whom i am their edward.
Life doesnt work that way.
In other news, I am in the process of doing what they call a "hard reset" to my sleeping patterns and insomnia tendencys. It involved only allowing myself just over 6 hours in bed a night. Regrdless of how much i sleep. Which supposedly after a certain point of exhaustion, my brain will learn it is to go to sleep and stay asleep when it is given the chance and to make good use of its time. It hasn't learned this lesson yet which means in reality i am getting next to no sleep at the moment. I hope this works, but until it does i am tired, cranky, likely to cry to easily (as if i dont already) and if i hit a certain point of exhaustion, i might become violent in the i would like to kill someone way. The hard part of course being deciding on a target (just joking).
But having 18 hours a day means having to fill 18 hours a day - and realizing all my hobbies and activities dont stretch that far or that i am not sure if i want them to go that far.
The hard part for me when it comes to sleep is the dreams. I have weird, strange and disturbing dreams, often violent ones or night mares. Because of them i wake up scared, anxious, and can quickly go into a panic attack after waking. It hasn't happened recently (the panic) but the dreams are a far too frequent occurance.
As of late, the dreams have been a strange mixture of pleasure and horror, and i am not a fan of what i have been dreaming of.
I had a dream that my younger sister gave me $5 to help her commit suicide. By smothering her with a pillow in my mother's bed. Which we were both sleeping in. And, i agreed to the plan. But she kept cheating and taking breaths, which meant i couldn't actually smother her. She said it was ok, and we would try again later, but she was tired. She went to sleep, and i started having sex, in the bed, with a male. No orgasm (this is a common theme in my dreams, is that there is never a dream, or real, orgasm. Which makes me frustrated when i wake up LOL). When my sister woke up (sending the male scrambling out of the room), she was upset to still be alive, and therefore told my mother on me for trying to kill her. This got me kicked out of the bed, so i charged my sister the $5 ...and yea i know the dream is weird.
I had another dream that there was mushrooms growing in my nose.
I had a dream where i was coughing up blood, and despite 2 trips to the ER, was told this was normal and i should go home and stop bothering people - even thought i knew this meant my lungs were liquifying inside of me and this was a dangerous and bad thing to have happen. I was going to go abck to the ER a third time (as the coughing and the blood was getting worse) but before i went, knowing i would be hospitalized if they finally listened, i wanted to have one last good time. Insert sex here.
My dreams have, of late, been like this - a combo of erotica (which i think boils down to the fact i haven't been laid in a while and am missing out on that human contact. I know you can get that type of physical and mental connection without sexual activity, but it is just easiest, for me, to find it in sex. It is, despite everything, less scary that way - maybe because then the absolute worst thing someone can do to be is to abuse me sexually. And that I have lived through. Because, at least then they cant get at me where i am most vulnerable, in my heart and my thoughts. Its a way to get the connection i am looking for,, but maintain the distance and control that makes me feel safe. I knwo this is not the healthiest way to handle things but right now, it is how i function. I am working on changing this and recognizing it is the first step.
The dreams have been erotica and horror. The horror is typical for me. The combo is the part i am having trouble handling - it is hard to wake up from a dream and not know if you are breathing fast because panic is coming soon, or because you are aroused.
It confuses me and it makes me anxious because i just dont know. And so i want to go back to these at least being separate dream topics. Things are easier to handle when they are separate and maintian their little spaces in life.
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