On learning

Learning is a long process and its one i think i am, in some ways, just starting. And it might be a journey that doesnt have a defined end. And I am ok with that.

I am learning to be bored. It seems strange, because part of me thinks that i am learning to be lazy - to not do something, to put it off, and to be ok with that. Which in some ways goes against who and what i am. I always want to be doing something - never one to just watch tv, i want to craft and read and be active all the day long. I am learning to give up some of that, to enjoy being still and slowly, i would like to think, i am learning to relax. And maybe this is good for me, I am not yet sure. But i hope that it is.

I am learning to let myself take naps. Right now this has good and bad. With recovering from H1N1, i need the extra sleep as my body is still fighting infection and to get back to normal. Health-wise, H1N1 did me no favours and the medications i am on to fix what it has done, are doing me harm. Physically, i am tired because physically, i am weak, and unfortunately, undergoing some further internal damage and bleeding as a result of some of what i went through when i was sick. But I am napping, almost every day, and i am learning to give myself that time, to let go for a bit and let myself go to sleep and to be ok with that. And i think that maybe, this is a lesson i can learn at night as well. Right now, its a lesson i am fighting to capture so i can understand how to sleep when it is time to sleep.

I am learning to not take life as an emergency. When I got the call that the lesion was, in fact, skin cancer, i heard those words, and yes, it was bad. But i also managed to hear that the edges were clear. That i was cured. That, other than monitoring semi-regularily, that things will be ok. That, this crisis might actually be bearable and livable. I am learning.

One day at a time, i am learning.

I am learning that sometimes, you have to be "ok" to feel anxious - that you just have to let it happen because that is your way of saying "this is a struggle for me" or "there is something about this that is uncomfortable". But also, that sometimes, you have to just let those feelings go, to not focus on them, and that, in time, they pass and you can go back to being "ok" or at least, to not being anxious. Learning to let go...but this will take time.

I am learning that sometimes, in life, i will be judged, by friends, bosses, family and the people of the world. And that sometimes i will do well and sometimes i wont and that that to can be ok. I don't have to be prefect so long as i am ok with what i did - so long as i feel ok about who i am. Today I was DRAP'ed (driver review and accident prevention - it happened because i'm new and it happened because of teh accident i had a few weeks ago). A boss rode with me and took notes and judged. And yes, it made me nervous, and yes I still dont like going through things like this but you know what? It wasn't an emergency, and it wasn't the end of the world. I drove the way i think is best, and I did what i could, and in the end, i think it went ok. She said things that were good, and bad, and i will get the formal report after but, if nothing else, i actually felt supported regardng a safety issue i have been making a point of since september. So maybe, good will come of it, and if nothing does, well it is over and it was ok. It was ok to be nervous and it was ok to try my best and if that means i missed something, that is ok as well because, in the end, i felt like i did what was right for me.

Right now, no, i don't feel ok about who i am, but, i am working on that. I am working, fighting, battling, to change that. Inside and out. And I can become someone i will like, and that i will become someone i can accept and that that is not something that has to happen today.

I am trying, on many fronts, and that, for now, is something.