I have this habit. Before i go to sleep, i write imaginary journal or blog posts. It helps me work through things, to start thinking it through and to go through this...process of dealing with things in a way i can handle. I do it at other times of the day as well, but then, if it gets to intense, there are things i can to do distract myself or to stop the process. At night though, i can't. When the lights go out is when i start to go through this and while it interferes with sleep, i think it also is good for me.
But, in going through this, i take myself through alot of emotions - angert, hurt, fear, and a number of other emotions, mostly negative because this is the time i use to deal with things i have been through that i am unable to process the rest of the time. The things i avoid, the things i am afraid of, the bad things.
I think Mocha knows this though. I have been in the habit of going out to the couch for an hour or two when this starts. For some reason i am more in control there, and i feel safer. For some reason, this helps me to eventually be able to sleep, as opposed to going through this until the alarm rings.
Mocha comes with me and, as soon as i start doing this, she jumps up and curls herself into my chest. It helps. It helps to ground me and to make me feel safe and loved. It helps me to go through this with her in my arms, pushed against me. It is as if she knows that i need that contact, as if she understands and is taking part of it on for me and as if she wants to help. And it helps in ways that i cant explain or describe except to say, it is healing me. Or helping me to heal myself.
I believe in some strange or different things in the universe. I believe in the power of energy and in the elemental good or bad nature of it - that there is such a thing as positive and negative energy and that we emit it and, that in the end, when life ends, we will be judged based on our energy. And that there are paths to be travelled, in both a positive and negative way, and that, while neither is wrong, they do lead in different directions. I believe that the energy has colours, and that leads the way on the path. I believe that we are in this earth, in the form that we exist in, because there is some elemental lesson we need to learn. And that, until we learn this, we are doomed to repeat this life again and again, in human form. Until we learn our lesson, we cannot move on to whatever is next, and that whatever is next has more lessons, until we reach a final end.
I dont know what my lesson here is but...i am trying, whatever it is. But i am afraid of experiencing negative, or what i percieve to be negative energy. I am afraid to let myself hurt, cry, or be angry. I am afraid to not be happy, even as i dont know how to be happy and even as i am afraid that if i allow myself to be happy, that it would be a bad thing. It is like hope, when you allow yourself to hope, if it, whatever it might be, doesnt happen, it is harder than if you never allowed yourself to hope at all.
I am trying to let my energy out - i am trying to give whatever is in me to the universe. To let it out into the big open space that is our planet, and to let it dissipate and go away. Outside of me, whatever it is that i am experiencing seems smaller, and more manageable and it seems to just float away, almost as if on the wind. I am trying to let the energy out and trust, that even though it feels big and overwhelming inside of me, that the universe, as vast as it is, can handle it. That the universe, and i mean the space - not the people, can handle more than i can without everything that is the basis of this planet going out of whack. That me being angry or upset will not, in the end, be the butterfly flapping its winds in china. That the world is stronger than that. I am trying.
I have been singing out loud in the car again. I have an MP3 player/broadcaster that allows me to listen to a constant stream of music, no commercials or talking heads, that fits the mood i am in. The music on there covers every mood i am likely to experience, from angry to in love. I didn't notice that i had stopped singing though, until i started again. I sing when i am happy and i am happy when i sing. The two go hand in hand for me and maybe, i need to watch for when i stop singing because it means i am not happy. That something is distracting me from feeling free enough to sing.
I have a bad voice, i admit it. Its just this side of horrific. But someone once told me that even so they loved to hear me sing because they could hear my heart and feelings in the song. And it is true, when i sing, i sing my emotions. Its why my music is so varied because, even though part of me is hurting, i can sing the songs of pain and that can make me...happy enough to do so. I dont have the words to explain it but it as if i can sing the emotions out of me and in doing so, it lightens me.
Yesterday, a day of anxiety over something small and trivial (how i would be received at knit night - i spent so much time before i went working out how to justify myself for decisions i had made. Expecting certain people to be so...defensive over something that truely was not their business as to require me to justify why i chose to cut him out of my life. I expected problems where there, in the end, were none) - yesterday, a woman i know commented how i seemed much happier now than i was the last time i saw her. And even though i was stressed and anxious and even though a part of me is still reeling from the talk with the dermatologist, she was right. I am happier.
According to my last assesment by the therapist, the depression is starting to improve. It was the same thing i told him, but in going through the questions and the symptoms, it was confirmed. For whatever reasons - be it the study drugs, or be it the changes i am working on making I am happier.
In other fun news, i am also lighter. A total of 15 lbs, for which i was surprised. I am halfway to my goal weight, all through changes that life made for me. I got ill, so i ate less. This means i feel full sooner and I am giving myself permission to leave food on my plate. To not eat until I feel sick to my stomach, then to not take medication to allow me to continue to eat. I am allowing myself to be pickier and i am allowing myself to listen to my body and to assume that perhaps, it knows something i do not.
I am only hoping this is the better path than what i was doing before. Once before i let myself say "no, i am full" and "no, eating this is making me feel ill" and at that time, i lost so much weight as to become unhealthy - more so than being overweight is for me. I am hoping not to go down that path. I am hoping, this time my body is ready for this, and i am hoping mentally i am as well.
Wish me luck.
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